An Experiment With Meaning And Form And Pretentiousnes (And the sapphic stanza)

Here are two poems that are really the same. The first three stanzas were written in something like 2 and a half minutes as a sort of diary entry. 

RANDOM RHYMES ON GRIEF

 The Poet says grief is something gorgeous 

I am no Poet and I know no verse,

For Grief can only make me nauseous. 

The Poet is mourning lost time

I am sick of living and reliving time

How many times must I write time. 

 

The Poet plays poems like a game 

But all my poems start and end the same 

Curls, cries, death- your name. 

The next three are the same poem reworked into the Sapphic stanza. The sapphic stanza is a highly regulated metrical system which is said to have been invented by the Greek poet Sappho from the island of Lesbos. It is considered one of the most challenging forms to write in in the English language and this is certainly an imperfect attempt. 

SAPPHICS ON GRIEF AND POETRY

Poet's tell me grief is somehow gorgeous,

I am no poet ,  I know no poetry.

I have met grief. That Goddess can only 

Make me nauseous. 

Poets mourn and re-mourn lost time. I am sick of

Living, Dying, Re-living, Re-dying, in time. 

Look at my poems how many times must I 

Write the word: time. 

Poets play poems like games of rhyming points

All my poems start and end the same again

and again and again. Oranges, curls, falling,

death then-your name. 

The reason why I'm posting both here is because I want to see wether something of the rawness of emotion is lost in the process of pushing something into a closed form. The first poem is no masterpiece but it has a natural rhyme and is depictive of a certain common and honest emotion. Does the second one feel artificial? Does it feel more sophisticated? Does the last, shorter, line of each stanza have an effect of some profound or surprising idea at the end of each stanza? What do you think? Comment here or message @smkarachvi on instagaram.